Purposeful Pain

It has been said that in order to have faith you first must encounter a situation big enough and disorienting enough to require that you find it. Likewise there are certain thoughts and awarenesses you get to that can only be arrived at as a result of passing through a significantly large enough disruption of your current way of thinking. Translate that disruption into pain, because the ego/mind likes its way and resists - tooth and nail - anything that disrupts its current course of action or thought pattern.


I have begun looking at pain - physical and mental - as a portal to insights. In fact for a few years now those who know me have heard me say that I got my disability in my left leg because I was not in dialogue with my pain. I had internalized coaching from my earlier years ("no pain no gain" "pain is weakness leaving the body" - yea, I liked that one too!) so that when I felt the pains in my leg and lower back I just pushed harder. Now that that is no longer an option, courtesy of a severed nerve, I must listen - and deal with it.

But least you think I am just talking about physical pain (which is just a convenient metaphor for the real stuff) what I am referring to is the kind of pain that we call mental anguish or what Carolyn Myss calls "spiritual madness." This is the place where due to the assertions of my conscious mind, I seem to have lost contact with god. (just to note: god never loses contact with me - it is when I lave lost the connection) In those dark nights of doubt and skepticism I must turn to what I see most missing - faith, trust and an unquestionable constancy. The paradox of this type of learning is that what I miss most is that which I am called on to provide (otherwise I might not be missing it). Have you ever been in one of those meetings where you just know the truth is not being spoken - but somehow you are the only one seeing it?? It thus falls to you to speak that truth. Well it is the same way here. When I am sorely missing my faith, I must call on it; when I hear no voice of god I must trust on it; when I doubt my own leadership I must speak it out loud and step forward and lead. It is backward and counterintuitive, but is the way god and the universe teach. And pain? Well that is the beacon light of learning - pain signals big things a-coming!! Bring it on!

God's Humor

When my girls were young our favorite movie was Watership Down which begins with the tale of El-ahrairah (the prince of all rabbits). El-ahrairah was clever and tried to trick god but got caught and ran to hide. But god sought him out and asked him to come out so that he might bless El-ahrairah. The rabbit prince, whose head was half-way down a hole said, "if you want to bless me, then bless my bottom." Which is why the rabbit to this day has a beautiful white tail and strong back legs.

Rewind the tape some 3000 years, to the time of Moses. Moses it seems wanted to see God - after all he had been employed by this Deity for some time now - it only seemed fair. But YHWH was not to be had like any simple relationship and told Moses that he would pass by but would shield him from seeing his Divine "killer" face. However god was not totally unreasonable, and allowed that Moses could see his back side. (Though the Oxford translation simply says "his back") I actually think this is emblematic of the humor the Divine one operates with - I mean, really, god was greatly responsible for creating me and that has been a hoot! So Moses, the ultimate leader (who by the way is a stutterer, and, less we forget, a convicted killer), is permitted to see the Promised Land but not actually to get there, and in the scene in Exodus 33:23, is permitted to see god but gets mooned in the process! Moses never says what he saw, but I wonder if God was wearing a big fluffy white tail or what.

My God just cracks me up!

Insomnia

It's 3:37AM as I begin to write this. I have been waking up in the middle of the night lately and not being able to get back to sleep. I don't know if this is an aging thing or stress related or what, but it is rather annoying, not to mention the negative effects on the following day's productivity!

I have found a website that lists 41 remedies for insomnia and note with some frustration that I have tried at least 27 of them tonight alone. Surely I can't be the only person who wakes up and can't get back to sleep. I try prayer, meditation, muscle flexing/relaxing, deep breathing, peaceful images, (no sheep-counting though) and a variety of pre-bedtime rituals. It is possible to abuse enough ibuprophen to be asleep all night but I fear the hit my liver will take from that.

So this is the most recent therapy: writing. Though right now I feel more awake than when I sat down. I think th eidea is to stop thinking not do more of it. I'd go for a long walk around the neighborhood but fear the local constables wouldn't like red and white palm tree pajama shorts, so maybe it's best to just lay there in bed and relax - sleep or no sleep.

Downright Dirt Dumb

One of the 60th year goals I set was to earn a color belt in TKD (in which my 10 year old son is a First Degree Black Belt). Tonight we sparred and it has been QUITE a long time since I did anything in competition against another human. Add to that the fact that as one of the few adults in the class I had to spar against a couple of third degrees and a fourth degree BB.

Now did I say I was like dirt stupid? Oh yea the title. Well I jumped right in like I was 30something and I am not.

Men are like that. Ow.

Wine Tasting

A friend of ours is having a hand fasting (not really a full fast - their hands are going to drink water or something) this weekend. We thought we would buy the wine. So I have a new mission in life - beyond the spiritual one - only still dealing with the spirit. I have to select the best (of the least expensive) wines we can bring. Believe me we aren't wealthy so price and flavor are both a major factor.

Now before we go getting all fancy schmancy let me qualify the discussion. Rule one I learned years ago was if you find a wine you like, stick to it. So after years of consuming one particular label and vintner (my fav) I finally found myself in the valley at their winery and decided to taste their premium wine. Same grape, just top of the heap. So tasting this grape (whose signature flavor I could ID in a line up blindfolded) I asked the steward what the difference was between it and the $20 bottle I usually bought. He explained. I did not understand. I smiled broadly. It tasted not a bit different from my favorite despite the $125 price tag. I learned that day that I had a marginally discriminate palate - cheap drunk, my wife calls it.

So tonight I have three Cabernet's and an Argentine Merlot. Sip after sip I am doing my best to find the best $4 bottle I can buy a whole bunch of. The only problem is that now I forget which one is which. I know I think I liked this one but then again this other one has a subtle undertone of berry, but, no that was that one, or was it.

Hic. Better stop, tomorrow's a work day!

How Old Are You?

Having just turned 59, I got this crazy thought in my head that I might like to set some goals for the coming year - my sixtieth year on this planet. Some are sane goals like I want to have something published within the year (I am currently working on three different fronts at once) and I want to be able to jog/walk a 5K fun race like the Feaster Five in Andover.

Let me explain. Several years ago I had a goal of running a marathon and when I hit 48, it occurred to me that I was getting no younger. So I set out to do it and with the help of some great coaches at Dana Farber, I completed not one but two for them as a charity runner. I figured that was enough but when my 9-month old son had cranial surgery at Children's Hospital, I was so impressed and grateful that I decided to run one more for charity.

That did me in and severely blew a disc in my back and partially severed the nerve sending signals to my left calf (are you following this?). As a result I now have an atrophied left calf and weeble when I walk - no more running.

So I decided to go out for TaeKwonDo (I go twice a week anyway to support my son - why not get a workout?). So here I am a 59 year old white belt hanging out in a room full of black belts and trying to fit in (ego is a nasty thing). Honestly I cannot help myself, nor can I stop myself. I keep thinking I am 29 not 59 and best as I can tell there is a difference.

Back in the Saddle

Well I have been out of pocket for some time tryinng to figure out what to say and do in this space. Many of my old postings had been written as an expression of creative writing - and often a tad lengthy. I do not know what works in the blogosphere but am here to find out.

Like everything I experience, life is not in the knowing but in living into the not knowing. Faith, says Carolyn Myss, is a by-rpoduct of living: "in order to have faith, you have to have a challenge that requires you find it." I think that is so true for everything.

I have a friend who is about to give up on his relationship with a magnificent woman, because, as he puts it, he is not ready, and he does not know who he really is. I told him today that, unfortunately, you only find out the end of the story on the last page and then it is too late to have a relationship, because the last sentence on that page is "you die." Life is the process of figuring things out one event at a time and relationship is what happens when two people try to do that while living into the answers together.

I love the messy unpredictable part of life - Rumi would call it succulent and juicy! He's right.