Says Who?

I confess to having avoided the nauseating rhetoric provided by the two exclusive political clubs that run our government and exclude all other points of view.  I am certain to be enlightened by their opinions on what "we" should believe, and of just who might be included or excluded in that "we."  My eldest offspring is an ordained minister and an articulate advocate of justice. Lately she has been receiving a lot of attention for her stand on full inclusion not simply as a right or an option but as a must and necessary element of being a church. Exclusion, she writes, begins when we even start naming those "other" groups we intend to include by their categorical names. You know the deal: "This organization does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, creed..." The very act of naming "them" sets "them" apart from "us." Inclusion has no labels.

But when we include all of us humans within the circle of human experience, something becomes apparent: none of us has the same experience. And what is particularly enlightening about that is that we can begin to learn from others who are not like us in anything other dimension than their humanity. When we focus on the differences and out-group others, this lesson is not available. But when we are all one, our sisters and brothers can teach us from their point of view. They can tell us what it has been like to be inspected and suspected for their entire lives. They can tell us how they had to deeply search their souls and come to their own truths about their sexuality, their spirituality and their burning need to be recognized for the persons that they really are.

In particular, I am taling about people who are labeled as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender and a whole host of other terms. I am talking about my very normal and dear friends, some of my neighbors, several of my clients and perhaps even family members. All of them are human and normal and living and vital and they are us. But we mus not be so hasty to "include" them as "us" lest we step over their gift as part of the human condition. That is the same kind of racism that wants to make African Americans act like "white people." Inclusion does not mean being the same. Rather it means embracing the differences within the whole of humanity. And here is where we need to shut up and listen. People whose sexuality is gay or lesbian or whatever have had to do something that every minority strand of humanity has had to do. They have had to wake up every morning and ask "if I am not what the majority says is the way to be, then what am I and who am I?"

As a white male member of the domination and dominant class of my society, I never questioned those values. I never doubted what I was. The texts were written by and for others like me. But the howling error that lives in that is that those same texts carried the implicit belief that this should be true for ALL of humanity - men and women, white and black and brown and yellow and tan skinned people - everyone must be like this. And I never had to question that. But anyone who is not part of that dominant culture has and does. These sisters and brothers have a level of introspection I have never attempted. And they lead the way to a deeper more profound understanding of self. I aspire to that level of deep self understanding. It is thoroughly unfair that these brothers and sisters have been forced to "justify" their beingness. No one should have to justify their existence. You are human - that's the ticket to get on board this train. But because society has forced it upon them, they have done what perhaps we all should be forced to do.

So here is a quick list of questions to ponder each morning as you prepare for your day: Are you certain about your sexuality? How do you know? Have you ever tried anything else? If you told your (a) boss, (b) school, (c) church how you really feel as a sexual being would you feel safe there? Would you be accepted? Have you tried finding a church that really accepts you at your deepest level of who you are? When was the first time you felt sexual desires? Was it confusing? What if you were not permitted to marry the person of your choice by you family, your state or your religion, would you move? How would you cope? If you were told that your very being was a sin, how would you justify how and who you are? Lastly, you have no authorization to ask "them" how they answered. They have done the work and they are okay with their answers. Theirs is a level of maturity that you can only hope to achieve. They are the brave leaders we need to hold up as our heroes and heroines and examples. LGBT is not the new cool or in thing to root for! But what I get from my brothers and sisters who are is  a level of awareness of justice matters most of us can only read about.  But to be certain, I am sick to death of all of the positioning around the issue of humanity and human rights.

Emotional Processing

My personal trek into the unknown is beginning to reshape my understanding of human emotions and how we precess emotional matter.  In fact that last sentence is the problem most of us (myself included) seem to have about emotions.  We think we can process or understand our emotions - that they are messengers for what we are to do.   You know; see a bear charging us, run away; see an attractive person, move toward, etc. And while that may work to some extent, what I am learning is that we have gotten it backwards.  We do not process our emotions (or at least we should not try to process them), emotions process us.

I am not talking here about the pretense of indecision reflected in a person's saying, "I don't know how I feel about suchandso," or "Let me see how I feel about it." Those "emotions" are more often than not the result of cognitive processes; of the "I think therefore I feel" type of thinking.  What I am talking about, on the other hand, is the occurrence of a deeply felt emotion that comes upon us.  Take for example the experience of love or grief or the welling up of whatever moves us to tears in the presence of the indefinable.

We need to learn how to resist the urge to analyze what those mean and begin to let them do their work on us. To say that emotions move us may be more accurate that we first think.  What happens when we allow an emotion to work its magic on us is that it begins to transform our very being from the inside out. And our "normal" reaction to that transformation is to quickly avoid it, run away from it or do something about it.  Transformation is never pleasant - it is often more like pulling yourself inside out through your belly button!  But when we allow an emotion to work us, that is exactly what is possible.

Lovers may feel the love but may too often move to capture the object of their love instead of letting it grow them in new and unthought of ways. The former is an act of narcissism (not love) where the latter is transformative. Similarly suffering causes a knee-jerk reaction of doing whatever will stifle the suffering. And yet nothing will reinvent us like suffering. This is not to be confused with victimhood. There are times when suffering must be ended for the safety of the victim.  But when our ego takes charge (a bad habit it engages in for most of our waking hours), and it is our ego need that wants to end the suffering or claim the reward at having loved so well, then we are denying our emotions the power that is uniquely theirs. Ego is the enemy of transformation.

Most of the time allowing emotions the opportunity of doing the inner work feels like sitting in a pool of muck - all damp and smelly and dirty. What's worse is that emotions do not work on us in any linear fashion (step 1, 2, 3) as our logical egos would have it.  It is sporadic, coming and going in waves of differing times and intervals.  And it is not over until it is over.  As if that is not enough bad news for your ego, get this: once you start this work, there is no way out except through it. And a nasty corollary to that is that any part that you skip will come back to kick you in the butt when you least expect it.

But there is good news. On the other end, there is a rainbow of new opportunities and insights that were never visible through your ego-controlled lenses. New worlds and new ways of being wait for those willing to let themselves be sucked through the vortex of emotion-driven transformation. Be patient with yourself and gentle with your emotions. It is hard work, but the rewards are worth it.