It is funny how this process works - this introspective thing, I mean. As I have been rapidly approaching the completion of six decades of residence on this orb, a date which is now less than a month away, I have been on a quest of unraveling the icon of self-ness which I have fabricated from the strands of memories, events, accomplishments and failures, to discover what lies beneath and beyond all of that. In two recent blogs I have peeled that down to the raw, naked "so what, now what?" However, that has all been about discovering who and what I actually am in my authentic self. But what then of god?
Following the same logic - that the concept of god is mostly a fabrication of myths and beliefs passed on to me by others, sewn together with experiences and reflections of my own - then what is or might be god that is not that when and if we are able to strip that away? The theologian John Ackerman makes the beautiful distinction between the god of our experiences and the experience of god. It raises the question of whether we can ever, really experience god's god-ness devoid of our preconceived categories and language for those experiences. Is it possible to have an authentic experience of the divine? I cannot speak for anyone else here, as I am certain to offend the righteous, the devout believers and he "faithful," so I will speak only of myself.
I have entered on a quest of discovery to seek the authentic experience of god without categories, words, theologies, epistimologies, and eschatologies (don't you just theo-babble!!). I choose to call this phase of spiritual development the Seeker phase (for lack of any better term). I feel like a Seeker. Armed with only a knapsack, a notebook (as it were) and nothing more, I have strapped on the proverbial hiking shoes and headed out into the wilderness of not knowing. These posts have been postcards from that trek, notes along the way as I continue to explore my unknown world. I would love to invite you along and ask that those of you who read these posts occasionally check in with me. Am I making sense? Do you take issue with these precepts? I will never know by myself, just as I will never know who I am without being in relationship with you all. Well? Is there anyone out there?
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The nature of your introspection sounds very postmodern to me – that stripping back of layers of what is accepted as “what is” until you’ve reached a core that makes you question the nature of the reality you’ve constructed/functioned in. (My favorite example of postmodernism: a book called House of Leaves. It’s a trip.)
The problem I have with postmodernism, however, is that it can (and often intentionally is) taken to the utmost extreme. (Another great example: hold a penny on your palm and show someone, then close your fist and ask them to prove it still is there.) And while postmodernist thinking is always a great mental exercise, I find the extremes to which it goes somewhat cumbersome and impractical. At some point an assumption is made, interpreted, or given meaning (even one as simple as “god is”) and if we eliminate all of the points that postmodernism could take issue with there is literally nothing to say because there is firm nothing left.
It is because of this that I enjoy postmodern mindsets and employ the exercise in my logic and theory when I write academically, but I am personally okay with stopping before I get carried to the entire postmodern extreme.
Therefore, I believe that I can find some piece of god that is not limited to my own experience. For example, I see my god in science and dirt – the seed and tree, the mitochondria and cell – these are things that are (in my opinion) too beautiful to be random and hold (again, to me) great power and life. I’ve obviously placed meaning on these natural phenomena and this is a point of argument for a postmodern mindset (but like I said, I’m okay with that). However, I don’t have to do anything but observe to see the power I’m talking about. I can chose to give it meaning (and I do) but I can also strip my own impressions away and still be left with something that moves and awes me without myth or fabrication. This is my authentic experience.
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