Dazed and Confused

I have always been in charge of my career or at least that's what the self-reflective organ in my skull would have me believe. I have always gotten the job I wanted and even when a job disappeared I quickly secured some temporary work (cooking or tending bar) to bridge through the period of searching. I did that, my determination, my sense of responsibility.

But my confidence in that as fact is crumbling and as each chunk succumbs to gravity, what is revealed is the core engine that has been at work all the time - driving my machinery all along. That force is God; the divine force of pure intention. So I am faced with the possibility that none of this past was of my doing but that I have been led through all of those changes, peaks and valleys for the express purpose of getting here with, now, with these particular experiences and tools.

Thank God!

There are two problems with this realization: 1. I am now faced with having to discern God's intention for me - like what do you want me to do next, Oh Great One? and 2. My profession classifies what I am now doing (talking openly and regularly with some unseen force or entity) as delusional. Let me start with the first. This conversation I keep having with God goes something like this: OK God I give up, you win, I'm yours. Now what would you have me do? (Otherworldly Voice in my head) I cannot tell you that. (Me) Might I ask why? (OV) Sure, if I tell you, then you will try to "do" it and do it your way, and if you have surrendered to me, then I would like you to do it my way. (Me) And that means not knowing? (OV) And trusting completely. (Me) But that is no way for a professional to manage his career. (OV) So manage your career, this is my work we are talking about. (Me) Which is...? (OV) Sorry.

And so it goes - round and round.

So that is when the other voices of my professors and the ghost of Dr. Freud kick in: (SF) You are actually hearing voices? (Me) Duh, I just wrote it out in plain text. (SF) That, son, is delusional, whacked, touched in the head, a couple of bricks shy of a load, well you get my drift.

But the truth is that I have longed all my life to have an active and conscious contact with God. I envied Abraham as he walked and talked with his God. Heck, it was nothing for people in biblical times to hear voices or to see God walk into their village and sit down for a meal with them. Were times so different? Did God get bored of us or were they all whacked back then?
As for me, I am just confused.

But I will not give up. Fifty eight years of doing it my way had some severe limits. So I have done the Sam and Elijah thing and uttered those fateful words,"Here I am, take me." Dazed and confused, but putting one foot in front of the other.